


Sought and Snatched

by quirky_turtle



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Eventual Fluff, F/M, Kidnapping, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-07 12:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7715149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quirky_turtle/pseuds/quirky_turtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You and Spencer Reid work as profilers for the BAU. You have been in some sort of relationship for a while. When a case brings you to Chandler, Arizona to find a serial Valentine’s Day killer, you find that you look a lot like the victims.  When you become a victim, will Reid and the team be able to find you before it’s too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Wait. Why are they calling us in again?” you asked as Hotch handed you the case files in the conference room.

“Apparently, this man has killed a woman every Valentine's Day for the last six years. With it coming up in two weeks, the people in Chandler are starting to panic.” JJ answered, pointing to the white board. Showed the faces of six women and their bodies after they were found.

The more you looked, you realized that they looked similar to you. Same build, same hair color and texture. You quickly shook it off. You knew that if you looked closely enough, you could always find similarities between yourself and the victim.

“The police chief wants us to come in and help them find him before he gets unlucky number seven.” Morgan assumed the end of her explanation.

Hotch nodded, the same grim look on his face as usual, “Wheels up in 30.” he left the room and went to his office.

* * *

You and the team were on the jet and flying towards Arizona. It was a long flight. JJ and Hotch were discussing the case and its media coverage. Morgan was taking a power nap. Gideon was buried in his case files. You turned to look at the man next to you. Dr. Spencer Reid. Also buried in his copy of the case files. 

“Are you going to get any rest?” you asked, sleep laced in your voice. 

He shook his head, “I want to look over these files one more time.”

“Haven’t you memorized them? You’ve read it three times already.” you rested your head on his shoulder.

He chuckled softly, “I’m a little distracted.” he grinned and chanced a light kiss on your forehead, after making sure that no one was around.

You rolled your eyes, “Well, I’m taking a cat nap.” He hummed in acknowledgement.

You and Spencer had had some kind of relationship going on. You never really discussed it, but you were more affectionate with each other, and you both came up with excuses to not go on dates with other people. You kept it from the team. Not wanting to let your small secret become too real. Because then the serious discussions and problems would start. You wanted to stay in the little bubble of affection a little longer.

* * *

Spencer woke you up after about 90 minutes. Stating that it was the proper amount of time for a nap, because that is roughly the time that it takes the body to complete a full sleep cycle. As much as you were annoyed, you had to admit that you felt fully refreshed and not groggy at all.

You landed not much later. It was two o’clock in Arizona, but it already past five according to your circadian rhythm. Another sleep related fun fact provided by the one and only Dr. Reid.

When you got to the local police station, you were greeted by Detective Jackson. You all shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. Then you were able to launch into the case.

“From the files and evidence, the unsub seemed to believe that he was courting these women.” Reid suggested.

“So, he's an intimacy seeking stalker turned violent?” Morgan summarized.

“The stress of Valentine's day and the object of his affection not acknowledging him could lead him to turn violent and kill them.” Gideon nodded.

“Where were the bodies found?” you asked Detective Jackson.

“In their houses. They were found on the bed with, wearing lingerie and a dozen red roses on the nightstand.” he replied.

“Are there files from the crime scene?” You tended to do better when you immersed yourself in any and all information you could find. Especially when there was no fresh crime scene for you to read.

“Property room. Just ask Alan when you get down there. He will show you the files.”

You nodded your understanding and grabbed you coffee cup, heading for the stairs.

* * *

“You Alan?” you asked the man sitting at the desk in the basement that was serving as an evidence room.

The balding man jumped in surprise, clearly he wasn’t used to visitors down here.

“Y-yes. Can I help you?” he looked you up and down.

“Do you have any files on the Valentine killer crime scenes?” you asked, flashing your FBI badge.

He nodded and hopped off his stool, “Right this way.”

He was silent as he lead you through the stacks of boxes until he reached one you were looking for.

“Here you go. All the information you could want on that guy.” he pulled out the boxes and opened the covers, letting you see the papers inside, “If you need anything, don’t be afraid to holler.” He smiled warmly at you.

“Thank you, Alan.” you smiled back before turning to the piles of files and photos.

* * *

You poured over the files for the next few hours. You sat on the floor of the room, just taking in everything you could.

Alan arrived, holding two cups of coffee. He held one out for you, “Your team is looking for you. They are getting ready to head out.”

“Thanks.” you looked up at him gratefully, “Any chance I could take these back to the hotel with me?”

“Sorry, ma’am. Rules say that the files must stay here. However, since no one comes down here, you can leave it like this so you can come down tomorrow.”

You nodded in understanding, “Thanks again.”

He smiled again and returned to his desk.

* * *

The rest of the week went very similar. You wanted to make yourself an expert in the crime scenes, wanting to memorize every detail and see if you could find any other correlation that might lead you to the unsub.

The rest of the team went out into the field. Focusing on victimology and questioning the victims families. You were kind of relieved to not be doing that. You still couldn’t shake off that feeling you got when you first looked at the pictures of the victims. It was like looking into six little mirrors. You preferred staying in the station.

Alan had been very helpful. Always showing up just when you needed him. He was a little shy, but he seemed very happy to have company. You indulged him in small talk whenever he brought you coffee before returning to work.

According to your phone, it was ten o’clock. Almost time for you to call it a night. You sighed, opening up the last file you would get through for the night.

“How are you not exploding from boredom?” a familiar voice asked you.

“You forget, Reid. Before I joined the BAU, crime scenes were my specialty.” You grinned, sitting up and stretching out your back.

“They still are.” he stepped through, careful to not step on any of the folders that you laid out, “Find anything?”

“Maybe.” you nodded, “All these women lived in apartments owned by the same landlord, Charles Jarvis. He was the one to call the police every time, except for the first victim. Her attack was the only one to have a forced entry.”

“So, we’ll talk to Jarvis tomorrow.” the genius extended his hand for you to take.

You took it and pull yourself up from the floor, “We?”

“You need to get out of here. You’ve been here all week!” he exclaimed, pulling you closer to him, “I’ve barely seen you.” he pouted.

You giggled and looked around to make sure no one was watching, “Okay, fine. You’re lucky you’re so cute.”

He grinned in triumph before placing a quick kiss on your lips, “Let’s go before the team wonders where we’ve been.”

You nodded and let him lead you out of the room. You went to say goodnight to Alan, but found that he wasn’t at his desk.

* * *

You were fast asleep, when a knock at the door woke you up. You checked the time on the alarm clock. The bright red letters read three in the morning. You groaned. It couldn’t be another victim. You still had a few days until Valentine’s Day.

You shuffled out of bed and walked to the door. Without bothering to look through the peephole, you opened the door.

Before you could let out a scream, you felt a needle dig into your neck, and everything slowly faded into black.  


	2. Chapter 2

When you didn't show up to grab breakfast, the team figured you overslept. Spencer volunteered to go and check on you. He took the elevator, a coffee for you in hand. He walked down the hall and knocked on your door.

“Y/N?” he called, “You overslept. I got coffee!” 

Nothing. 

You had given him the extra room key, but you always slept with the chain lock on the door. Well, maybe you could hear him better through the small opening. 

“Y/N!” he put the keycard into the door, “Time to get up!” he was surprised when the door fully opened. Even more so when he realized you weren't in bed. 

“Y/N?” he tried again. Knocking on your bathroom door. No response. 

Suddenly, every detail from the case came back to him. The victims. You fit the pattern. He flew out of the room, cursing himself for not realizing it sooner. He just never thought you could be in danger. 

* * *

“She's gone!” Spencer exclaimed one he got to the lobby, “The chainlock wasn't on her door. She wasn't in bed. She wasn't in the shower. She looks just like them.” he started to ramble, his words as fast as his thoughts.

“Reid, calm down.” Gideon put up a hand to stop the young man, “What happened?”

“I think she was taken by the unsub. She's not in her room. The door wasn't locked, and she fits his victim pattern. Hair, height, build. She fits.” 

“Call Garcia. See if she can track Y/N’s phone.” Hotch pointed to Morgan. 

They found her phone. In her hotel room.

At the police station, Spencer went down to the evidence room to see if Y/N had found anything that might have been helpful in finding the unsub, and her. 

Alan wasn't there at his usual desk. Spencer continued into the room where she had laid everything out. He looked through the files and found nothing. 

Nothing to help him save her. 

Spencer was ready to admit defeat in this task. He stood up and stretched his shoulders. A blinking red light in the corner caught his eye. A security camera he hadn't noticed before. 

Wait. You hadn't left the police station since the team arrived. You had stayed in the evidence room. How could the unsub have gotten to know you while you were stuck down here looking at old case files? Unless-

“Does anyone know where Alan is today?” Spencer asked when he returned to the main floor. 

Many of the police officers shrugged,until Alice at the reception desk answered, “He called in sick. Why?” 

“Does anyone know anything about him?” He tried again.  

Deceptive Jackson shrugged, “He was quiet and kept to himself. Didn't talk to others much.”

Morgan instantly stood up, “He’s had access to L/N all this week, and he fits the profile.”

“Alan? Sure he can be a little strange, but he wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Jackson held up a hand, as if to halt their accusations. 

“Typically, this kind of unsub is considered to be normal. They have a tendency to be socially awkward, especially around women, but most people overlook that nowadays and attribute to them being shy. However, they can be one of the most delusional and dangerous. They truly believe that they are in a relationship with their victims. If they feel rejected or betrayed they can turn violent.” Reid explained to the Jackson. The rest of the team circling up.

“While L/N was in the evidence room, he would have had plenty of time to fantasize and create a relationship in his mind.” Gideon nodded. 

“I’ll call Garcia and see if she can find anything about this guy.” Morgan pulled out his cell phone and ducked out of the room.

“Good call. I'll see if we can pull and address from employee records.” JJ walked away from the group. 

“Hold on.  **_If_ ** Alan is our guy, what could have happened with Agent L/N that would have set him off? You said that Valentine’s Day was his stressor in the past. It’s still four days away. What triggered him?” Detective Jackson question. 

“True. It would be very unlikely for him to break his ritual. Usually, he stalks these girls then tries to confront them on the holiday. When they reject him, he kills them in their homes.” Hotch thought out loud.

“What would make him change and abduct her instead of killing her in the hotel room?” Gideon finished. 

Spencer’s face faulted as he remembered the security camera in the evidence room. Pointed directly in the spot where you had kissed. His eyes widened and his face went pale. 

“She didn't reject him. She betrayed him.”

* * *

Pain. The first thing you felt was the throbbing pain in your head. You tried to open your eyes, but it seemed like too much effort. You were still fuzzy from whatever was in that syringe. You could hear tired moving on pavement, and you could feel the vibrations of the engine. You were in a car. Where were you going? Who with? Why-  

“Why did you do this to me, Y/N?” A raspy voice interrupted your thoughts.  

“Alan?” You asking, finally opening your eyes, only to find the darkness of a blindfold. 

“Of course it’s me. Did you think it was  **_him_ ** , you whore?” He raised his voice and you resisted every urge to flinch. 

“What are you… where am I?” You tried to sift your way through muddled thoughts.

“I thought what we had was special. I thought you wouldn't be like the rest of them.” you could hear him sniffle, as if he had been crying.

“Like who, Alan?”

“They rejected me. Lead me on for weeks, months even. You were supposed to be different.” He continued to ramble along those lines. That was when it clicked for you. Alan was the unsub. 

You wanted to slap yourself for not realizing it sooner. Of course he fit the profile. You felt the car stop. 

“We’re here.” You heard the jingle of his keys as he took them out of the ignition. 

“Alan, please. You don’t have to do this.” You heard a car door slam before yours opened, you almost falling out of it.

“It's too late for that.” He grabbed your hair and dragged you to the ground, “I risked too much on you. I still believe we can make this work, baby. We just have to get you away from temptation.”

He pulled you up and dragged you along. You felt hot sand burning your feet.  _ Desert.  _ He pushed you forward, a hand on your shoulder to direct you. 

“Where are we going?” You asked, trying to appear unafraid, even as you felt the fear rise like bile in the back of your throat. 

“Consider this an early honeymoon. We need to work on our relationship. You’re going to remember that you love me.” he replied, pushing you to the right. 

“I don’t love you, Alan.” You replied forcefully, spitting in his direction. He grabbed your hair and pulled you back, so you were leaning against him. His lips by your ear.

“You’re going to remember, or you’re going to die.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Potential Merlin spoilers in this chapter!

* * *

“What do you mean, Reid?” Morgan asked the doctor as his hands began to shake.

“Alan believed that they were in a relationship. However, if he were to see her...being affectionate with another man, it could cause him to want to take her away from any potential threats. Causing the break in his pattern.” he explained.

“What makes you think that’s the case?” Hotch questioned, while it made sense, there was still a piece missing.

“Because, last night he saw me kissing her.” Reid admitted quietly, looking down.

The team stood in silence for a moment, shocked by this revelation. Gideon was the first one to spring into action again.

“Morgan, did Garcia get anything about Alan?” he shook everyone out of their shock.

“Not yet. She said she would call when she did.” the younger man replied.

“Alright. I can try talking to some of the people around here who might know anything about him.” JJ nodded.

Just then, Spencer’s cell phone went off.

“Garcia?” he asked, confused that she had been calling him.

* * *

You arrived at wherever you were meant to be.

“Think of this, as a couple’s retreat.” his voice next to your ear.

“We aren’t a couple!” you cried out. You knew it wasn’t the best course of action, but you weren’t very rational at the moment.

He slapped you across the face very hard and you fell to the ground. You could already feel the bruise developing on your cheek.

“WE ARE!” he roared out, “You just forgot.”

You couldn’t help but flinch away from him. Silent as you watched the rage dissolve.

“Baby. I’m so sorry.” he leaned forward to help you back up and took off your blindfold, “I don’t want to hurt you. It’s the last thing I want. I just… I want to fix us.”

You nodded, deciding to play along, “I want to fix us too.”

Alan had a look of relief, “I’m so glad to hear that.” He pulled you into a hug. Swallowing the urge to vomit, you returned the hug.

“I love you, Y/N.” his whispered.

“I love you too, Alan.” you croaked out, the words feeling like razor blades as they pass your lips.

“I read a book about this, and the first step to mending the relationship is for you to break things off with the other man.” he continued as he led you inside.

“But, I have to go see Spencer to break it off with him. Shouldn’t we go back to the police station?”

“I’ve already thought of that.” he gave you a disturbingly sweet smile as he showed you a laptop and webcam set up inside, “Record what you have to say, then I will get it to him.”

You nodded, “Can I think about what I am going to say for a few minutes?”

“Sure. I will go get the rest of our stuff from the car.” he kissed your cheek and left to go back outside.

When you were left alone, you wanted to cry. However, you pushed that aside. You had to try and figure out where you were and if you could give them any hints in your video to Spencer.

You looked out the window. You were wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. The sand you had walked on wasn’t there naturally. It was decoration. You were in a shack near a lake. In a forest. Which lake you had no idea. You scanned the landscape. There was no one around. Not other cabins. It almost reminded you of…. That’s it!

You saw Alan walking back up towards the cabin and you pulled away from the window.

“Are you ready?” he asked once he dropped his bags. What was in them was beyond you and you didn’t want to find out.

“It’s time to break it off with him.” you nodded. Alan grinned and turned on the webcam.

You got into position and took a deep breath.

 

* * *

“Talk to me, baby girl.” Morgan answered his phone, putting it on speaker.

“Alan Jenkins. Age 41. Went to Northside High and graduated in the middle of his class. Get this, when he was young, his father died. His mother, overtaken by grief abandoned him, leaving him to be raised by his grandmother.”

“His mother abandoning him could have impacted his ability to form relationships later on.” Hotch added.

“Also explains how he gets violent when rejected. He was rejected by his own mother.” Gideon added.

“Uh-huh. And-wait a minute.” Garcia’s voice turned serious, “I just got an email. From Jenkins. I’ll forward it.”  With that she hung up.

JJ pulled up a video on the computer screen and pressed play.

It was Y/N. She looked to be okay besides for a bruise on her cheek. Spencer exhaled, glad to know that she was at least alive.

“Spencer,” she addressed him, “I have to end this. We can not continue to sneak around like this. I am in love with Alan. I am sorry I lied to you. I told you that we would get a happily ever after, like Merlin and Freya. But, that can not happen. I am going to have my happy ending with Alan. Goodbye, Spencer.” the video ended. The team looked around to find Spencer silent.

“Lack of contractions in her speech shows she is being untruthful. Even if it was intentional.” Morgan mentioned, for Reid’s benefit probably. Even if the boy knew she was coerced into saying that, his silence was unnerving.

“Freya and Merlin didn’t have a happily ever after.” the genius whispered.

“What was that?” JJ asked.

“Y/N said that Freya and Merlin had a happy ending. They didn’t. Y/N loved that show. She wouldn’t forget that, unless…” he ran over to the map of Arizona, “Freya died and became the Lady of the Lake.”

He pulled out a marker and started circling lakes within a few hours of Chandler.

“So, you think Y/N messed that up on purpose to tell us he is keeping her by a lake?” Morgan asked.

Reid continued to analyze the map and began to mark the lakes that had forests around them, “Freya was laid to rest surrounded by a forest at the water’s edge. She made me watch that scene so many times.” he trailed off before refocusing, “Call Garcia and see if she can find any property information at these locations. Probably secluded.”

Morgan nodded and pulled his phone back out.

“We’ll find her.” Gideon patted Reid’s back before pulling away to return to work.

* * *

Hours passed. Mostly Alan trying to bond with you by asking you more about your life. You were pretty surprised by the things he had already found out.

“Graduated from Quantico top of your class. I bet your father would have been proud.” he smiled over his glass of wine. You had refrained from drinking. You needed to be sharp if your opportunity to escape came up.

When the time came for bed, he brought you to your room. He had left out a change of clothes for you and bid you goodnight before locking you in for the night. Pacing around the room, you tried to find any makeshift weapons you could use. Alan was smart. Your room held the bare minimum. Nothing that you could break or weaponize easily.

Resigned that you had nothing, you decided to fall asleep. You felt drained and exhausted from being on alert all day. It didn’t take much for you to pass out, your dreams taking over.

* * *

“Okay, so I searched through property record and rentals for all the locations you gave me,” Garcia started, “And nothing. I even checked AirBnB. Nothing has been taken out under the name of Alan Jenkins.”

“Could he have used a fake name?” Detective Jackson asked the tired agents.

“It wouldn’t follow the profile. He doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. He wouldn’t use a fake name to take his ‘girlfriend’ away for the weekend.” Morgan explained.

“Wait. He’s talked about this cabin he would go to as a child.” Jackson added.

“Garcia. Check properties belonging to an Eileen Jenkins. Alan’s grandmother.” Hotch instructed.

“On it.” Garcia nodded as her video feed ended.

* * *

 

“WHORE!” the enraged word woke you up. Your eyes flew open and you saw Alan standing over you, a baby monitor in hand.

“What?” you gasped out.

“I heard you, you liar. You said you could let him go.” he fumed.

“Let who go, baby?” you asked, terrified and focused on calming him down.

“Spencer! You said his name in your sleep! I heard it!” he yelled.

Before you could reply he grabbed your hair and dragged you out of bed and down the hall. You kicked and screamed the entire time.

“I told you I didn’t want to hurt you, but you’re forcing my hand!” he threw you down onto the living floor, swiftly kicking you in the stomach.

“This can only work if you’re trying! You need to forget him!” Alan screamed before he fully punished you.

* * *

“We got an email.” JJ announced.

“From Garcia?” Spencer raised his head from the map, for the first time in hours.

The blonde shook her head and pulled it up on the larger screen of the conference room they were using.

The sight knocked the wind out of Spencer’s lungs. It was you, but you looked severely worse than the last video. You were covered in cuts and bruises and you were not standing of your own free will. You were kneeling on the floor, your hands behind your back.

“I’m a whore.” your voice was slurred as you looked at the camera, “I’m a liar and I deserve every punishment I get. Spencer Reid means nothing to me. I belong to Alan…” your speech went on like this for a while. Spencer couldn’t focus on your words anymore. He was distracted by the lack of emotion on your face.

“She used contractions.” JJ sighed out after the video ended.

“Her speech was slurred. Did he drug her?” Morgan asked the room.

Hotch shook his head, “No. She held herself upright and didn’t sway at all.”

“Sleep deprivation?” Jackson asked, seeing as the rest of the team hadn’t gotten any sleep, perhaps she hadn’t either.

Spencer shook his head, finally joining the conversation, “It would look the same if she was drugged. Why would she slur her words?”

“It’s a military training technique.” Gideon piped in, “They teach soldiers to slur their words if they are caught and recorded. It lets the people back home know that they aren’t broken yet. She’s doing this to save herself.”

Spencer dropped his head into hands. His muscles were tense from all the worrying.

“Kid, you should go to the hotel. We’ll go in shifts.” Morgan tried to reason with the genius.

“I’ll sleep when we find Y/N.” he lifted his head back up.

Morgan’s phone went off.

“Garcia?”

“I have it! I have the address!” the tech analyst screamed into the phone.


	4. Chapter 4

The drive was taking too long. Every minute they were driving, you were alone with Alan.

“The cabin once belonged to his uncle. When he passed with no children, it went to Alan’s grandmother. When she passed, it went to him.” Morgan explained as he sped along the road. The siren blaring the whole way.

“How much longer?” Reid asked, his hand was balled into a fist as he tried to stay calm.

“Eleven minutes.” Morgan replied.

“Drive faster!” the genius exclaimed.

“Hey. It’ll be fine.” JJ reached forward to pay his shoulder from the back seat, “Y/N is smart and she can handle herself.”

* * *

 

You sat on your bed. After beating you and making you tell Spencer “the truth” about what you are, Alan had sent you back to bed. You didn’t dare sleep after what happened last time. You couldn’t trust your dreams.

With your arms still tied behind your back, you go up and limped to the door, trying it again.

Still locked.

You let out a frustrated sigh and leaned against the shut door. Until you felt a cool breeze flow over you. There were no windows in this room or fans. You used your elbow to flip the light switch.

That’s when you noticed that the wardrobe must have been covering the window. Quietly, as to not wake Alan, you used your weight to push the wardrobe aside. Pressing your back against the side of the wardrobe, you used your legs to push against the floor.

Unfortunately, the wardrobe creeked and scratched against the floor. You heard Alan pounding at the door. You pushed harder. Silence was no longer important, you had to move the wardrobe and fast.The window was almost uncovered. You would see the bright lights of the cop cars outside. Before you could sigh in relief, Alan burst in the door with his gun drawn.

“Y/N! What are you doing?” Alan yelled as he looked around the room.

“Are you trying to escape? I thought you loved me…” his voice trailed off and he raised his gun to you, “No. You’re just like them.”

“Freeze! FBI!” you heard Morgan scream and main door was kicked. In. The room and hallways became flooded with agents and cops.

“Alan, put the gun down.” Hotch tried to reason with him, but Alan just shook his head.

“No,” he kept his aim on you, “I didn’t do anything wrong. I love her.”

“You abducted a federal agent!” Morgan angrily told him, his emotions getting the better of him. Hotch sent a glare his way.

“NO!” Alan shook his head, tears coming out of his eyes.

“Alan, don’t-” Hotch’s calm voice was interrupted by a gun shoot and the sound of glass shattering.

* * *

 

Spencer paced back and forth on the front lawn. Hotch suggested that he stay back. As much as he wanted to argue and go save you, he knew logically that it would be best that he not go inside. He was emotionally compromised.

Suddenly there was a gunshot and someone’s body crashed through a window.

“Y/N?” Reid choked out before running up to the cabin, ignoring Gideon and JJ as they told him not to go. He didn’t care. He had to see if you were okay. If you were…

Pulling out his weapon, he approached the body on the ground. Once he saw who it was, he instantly holstered his gun and kneeled next to you

You laid on the ground, glass from the window surrounding you. Some shards were even embedded into your skin. That didn’t worry Spencer. What worried him was the blood coming out of your side and staining your sleep shirt.

“Spencer?” you asked, your voice quiet.

“Shhh. It’s alright. You’re safe now.” he placed his hand over your abdomen, applying pressure to the injury, “MEDIC! AGENT DOWN! GET A MEDIC!” he yelled over his shoulder before returning his attention to you.

“I-I’m so…” you tried to speak, but your eyes closed before you could finish.

“Y/N? Y/N! Stay with me!” Spencer cried out.

The team of medics ran up, with Gideon behind them.

“Sir, we need you to move.” one of them told him.

He hadn’t registered them. He kept putting pressure on your wound and shaking you.

Gideon stepped forward and grabbed the young man’s arm, physically pulling him away from you. The medics then put you on a gurney.

“Wait! She needs-” Reid tried to scramble away from Gideon, but he didn’t release his hold. One of the medics looked at Spencer sympathetically before turning to the rest of the group that was wheeling you to the ambulance.

“She needs medical attention. They know what they are doing.” the older man spoke calmly as he tried to reassure his distressed colleague.

“She’s lost so much blood.” he whispered, before allowing the tears to fall.

Gideon responded by hugging the boy tightly, “She’s strong. She will pull through.”

Hotch walked out the front door and over to the two men a few minutes later. Morgan wasn’t far behind him, but he was pushing Alan out of the cabin in cuffs and leading him to Detective Jackson.

“We got him.” his voice was grim, “After he shot Agent L/N, he surrendered.”

“That doesn’t fit the profile.” Gideon raised an eyebrow.

“He looked shocked. He just stared out the window after Y/N jumped. Almost like he felt guilt for hurting her.”

“She jumped?” Reid asked, “I thought she fell after the bullet…” he couldn’t finish the words.

Hotch shook his head, “Jenkins had a clear shot of her head. Right before he could pull the trigger, she jumped out the window. In surprise,he lowered the gun slightly. If she hadn’t jumped…” Hotch trailed off, feeling that he didn’t have to discuss the obvious.

* * *

You woke up in the hospital. At least, you assumed it was the hospital given the overwhelmingly clean smell that invaded your nose.

Your body ached. Your head throbbed. And you were willing to bed that you looked like shit too. However, you still decided to open your eyes. Your first sight was Spencer's head of curly hair on your bed, next to your side. You couldn’t help but smile when you realized that he was out cold.

Your hand raised up and you ran your fingers through his hair.

“Stop it, Y/N… I’m trying to sleep.” was his half conscious reply. Your grin widened as his head shot up, “Y/N! You’re awake.” relief flooded his now alert features.

“Yeah, but I feel like crap.” you groaned as you pulled back your elbows to sit up.

“No no no no.” Spencer sat up and gently pushed you back down, “You got shot. You need to not move.”

“Please. It barely grazed me.” you rolled your eyes and sat up, ignoring him.

“It went straight through you!” his voice getting higher in frustration with you arguing with him.

“I’ve been shot before, Spence. I’ll be fine.” you looked at him. He looked down, refusing to meet your eyes. His shoulders were slumped and you could almost feel the aura of guilt surrounding him.

“Hey. No. Stop that.” you gently hit him with your hand that was closest to him, “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Y/N… I should have been there. I should have found you faster.” his voice was strained.

“We agreed to keep it professional on the job. So the team wouldn’t find out. And you guys found me in one day. You did everything you could. I’m fine.” you tried to reassure him. You took his hand and gently squeezed it. He brought your hand to his lips and kissed it gently.

“Well they know now.” he stated after a moment of silence.

“I’m sorry, Spencer. He made me record those videos. I didn’t want them to find out that way.” you shook your head, tears welling in your eyes.

“They didn’t.” he whispered, his voice soothing you, “They found out before the videos. As soon as I realized it was Alan, I told them.”

“How do we even explain this?” you gestured between the two of you with your free hand, “We never even talked about that.”

Spencer looked down at your linked hands, drawing circles on the back of yours with his thumb. He was deep in thought for a few minutes before he spoke. His words so quiet, that you almost didn’t hear them. 

“I’m in love with you.” he took a deep breath before continuing, his voice slightly stronger than before, “I wanted to tell you weeks ago, but I was worried that I would mess everything up. But after the past few days, I can’t keep it to myself anymore. I love you. So much.”  

“Spencer, I-I…” you tried to get the words out, but you couldn’t. Something was blocking you. Spencer looked up and studied your face. He saw you struggle to get the words out.

“It’s okay.” he gave you a weak smile, “I understand.” You wanted to make sure he understood this wasn’t a rejection.

“I feel it, Spence. I just can’t…” you closed your eyes, seeing flashes of Alan. Him telling you he loved you and you having to say it back to him when you only wanted to say it to someone else.

Spencer carefully placed his free hand on your shoulder, calling you back to him and out of your thoughts. Grounding you, “It’s okay, Y/N. I really understand. I can wait.” He gently pressed his lips to your forehead, pouring as much love into the small gesture as he possibly could.

Before you could reply, Hotch knocked on the door frame to let you know he was there. He walked in and looked at the two of you.

“Agent L/N, how are you feeling?” he asked, a slight softness in his face.

“I’m fine, Hotch.” you lied. You felt mostly fine, but everything still ached, “Ready to fly out and get back to work whenever.”

Spencer glared at you but you ignored him, focusing on your boss.

Hotch shook his head, “After a traumatic event like this, you will receive two months of paid leave. Which is mandatory.” he added before your could argue, “So that you can heal and receive psychological examining.”

You nodded with a sigh, “Yes sir.”

“One more thing.” he added while looking at you and Spencer, “The FBI has strict protocols that prohibit fraternization.”

Both you and Spencer looked down. You decided that you would volunteer to leave the BAU. This job was everything Spencer wanted. You couldn’t let him give that up.

“However, seeing as you two have remained professional and able to keep it hidden from some of the best profilers in the country for… how long?”

You answered “A few months” at the same time that Spencer said “Five months, two weeks, and four days”.

Hotch looked at you both, slightly impressed, “Given that, I see no reason to write this up. As long as it continues to not interfere with your work, and you two will no longer be partnered in the field. Is that clear?”

You both nodded. Your answers of “Yes, sir” overlapping each other.

“Good. And L/N, I’m glad to see you’re okay. Physically speaking, that is.” he had a hint of a smile on his face before he left your room.

“The rest of the team wants to see you.” Spencer murmured, his thumb still drawing circles on your hand.

“I’m sure Hotch will tell them I’m awake. How long was I out, anyway?” you asked.

“We found you and arrested Jenkins two days ago.” he answered honestly, “Morgan and Hotch went straight into interrogating him as soon as they got him to the police station.”

“What about you?” you looked up at him.

“I wanted to stay with you. I couldn’t go in the ambulance, so Gideon and JJ drove me here.” he gave you a small smile before it fell, “They took you right into surgery, so we waited. It was hours before anyone told us how you were."

“I'm here now. I'm okay.” you smiled reassuringly.

“Debatable.” he replied, causing you to roll your eyes.

The room got quiet as you felt a sense of calm fall over you two. Relief and contentment to be together and alive. You rather enjoyed the quiet.

Almost as if reading your mind, two of the least quiet people in the world walked into your room.

“Y/N, I got a flight out as soon as they said you were okay!” Garcia ran over and hugged you. You grit your teeth as she made contact. Feeling a slight pain in your shoulder.

“Hey Garcia.” you replied, grateful when she let go.

Morgan stayed the foot of the bed with a cup of jello in hand, “Hey kitten.” he grinned at you.

“That better not have been my jello.” you playfully glared.

“Nah. I know better than to steal food from you. Even if you are unconscious.” he laughed.

“Smart move.” Spencer muttered.

“That brings me to my first question. When did this happen?” he pointed to your linked hands. Your face flushed as you found it difficult to find the words.

“Can this wait until we get back to Quantico? Y/N still needs to rest up.”

“Spence, I’m fine.” you groaned.

He gave you a look that made you shut your mouth. It clearly read, ‘I know you’re lying’.

“Alright. But you will tell my baby girl and I every detail. As soon as you are given a clean bill of health.” Morgan looked at you with a mock serious expression.

“I swear.” you nodded solemnly before cracking a grin.

“You better!” Garcia chimed in before getting up to leave with Morgan.

* * *

 

 You spent the next few days in the hospital. Spencer tried to stay in the room with you, but you insisted that he go back to the hotel. You knew that the chairs here were not sleeping material. After fighting you on it, he gave in. Swearing that we would come back as soon as visiting hours started. You didn’t tell him that you were having trouble sleeping once they stopped sedating you.

The entire team ended up staying in Arizona to make sure you were fine. Gideon and JJ stopped by the day after you woke up, not wanting to overwhelm you on your first day. They along with Spencer told you the last of the details about the case.

“Where is he now?” you asked once they had finished.

“He's in jail. He confessed to everything. They’re working on the conviction now.” JJ answered.

“That doesn’t fit his profile.” you murmured.

“There was one thing he wanted in exchange.” Spencer filled in, his voice sounding strained.

“He wanted to know how you were doing. He wanted to know that you weren’t dead.” Gideon answered before you could ask. The thought of him wanting know anything else about you made you feel sick to your stomach. You pushed that feeling aside and coped the best way you knew how.

“Hey, at least I helped the case in that respect.” you tried to joke. When no one laughed, you cleared your throat, “Have the families been told?”

JJ nodded and Gideon pointed to a vase of flowers in the window.

“Those are from the parents of Missy Kipler. They were glad to hear that you survived.” he gave you a short-lived smile before wishing you a good night.

* * *

 

After a little less than a week, you were cleared to fly. You still felt slight pain when you walked or moved too quickly, but you were fine for the most part. 

Once you were on the jet, you hobbled over to one of the couches. Unashamedly sprawling out to try and ease the pain the next few hours would cause you. Everyone else took their usual spots, except for Spencer.

He walked over to the couch you were occupying and gently lifted your legs enough so he could slide in under them. Once in position, he laid your legs across his lap. You smiled at this arrangement.

Until he opened his mouth.

“How are you feeling?” he asked for the billionth time. If he had it his way, you would have stayed in the hospital another week.

“I’m fine!” you groaned, “Please stop worrying.”

He smiled sheepishly at you, “Sorry.”

And just like that you forgave him. Damn him.

You took his hand in yours and gently squeezed it to let him know you weren't mad.

* * *

 

_You were back in your room at the cabin. You instantly went to the window to find it was boarded up. You tried punching at the wood, but nothing._  

_The door slowly opened and Alan stood there. An eerie smirk on his face._

_“Thought you could get away from me?”  he walked forward, something behind his back._

_Suddenly, you were strapped to the bed, unable to move. You could only look up in sheer horror as he revealed what had been behind his back. A white-hot brand with the initials ‘AJ’._

_“You belong to me. No one will ever love you the same way I will.” he leered as he brought the brand closer to your hip._

_You closed your eyes, anticipating the pain._

You sat straight up. Your heart was beating erratically and you couldn't get your breathing under control. This was a panic attack, you realized.

 When your eyes focused, you saw Spencer sleeping on the other end of the couch. His head lulled back. You watched the rise and fall of his chest and tried to match your breathing to his.

 When you finally calmed down, you looked around the jet. Everyone else was fast asleep. You laid back down as something dawned on you.

You weren’t alright.


	5. Chapter 5

Three nightmare filled weeks later, you had had enough. Spencer would try to come and spend time with you when he could, but that could be hard with a job that required him being on call at all times. So, most of the time you were home alone. “Healing” is what Hotch had said. Dwelling is what you actually saw it as.

Sitting home in the dark left you alone with your memories. Every time you closed your eyes you could almost see Alan leering over you. His terrifyingly sweet smile brought about by his own delusions. When you woke up from your nightmares you could feel the phantom pressure of his lips on your own.

You screamed more often than not. It made you rather happy that you had rented a home instead of an apartment. No closeby neighbors to disturb in the middle of the night.

Hotch had said that you had two months off. It hadn’t even been one, but you needed to get back to work.

Early the next morning, you had gotten up and dressed and walked into the BAU. You were greeted only by a confused Garcia.

“Y/N? What are you doing here? You have another month off.” your frazzled, blonde friend asked.

“Garcia, it’s fine. I just needed to get back to work.” you held up a hand to dismiss her concerns.

“What did Hotch say?” she raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll worry about that when he gets back.” you sighed, “Now catch me up.”

She quickly realized that there was no point in arguing with you and set forth to brief you on the current case the team was on. You relented to “being her bitch” as long as you got to do some work. Just being back in the office with Garcia helped you feel better than you had at your apartment.

“Is this what being forgotten feels like? I don’t like it.” she huffed as you both sat in her lair, waiting for a call from the team.

“I’m sure they haven’t forgotten you.” you rolled your eyes as you playfully teased her, “Maybe they found a younger and faster tech analyst.”

“If they go near my Chocolate Thunder, I will become your next unsub.” her giggles interrupted her attempt at looking serious.

You were about to reply, when her computer screen alerted her of a video call request. Without thinking she pressed accept. Morgan’s face came onto the screen.

“Baby girl, I need you to- wait is that L/N?” he paused, “What is she doing there?”

“Duty was calling me?” you tried as he snickered.

“Hotch and Reid won’t like this.” he shook his head as he laughed a little.

“Won’t like what?” you heard Spencer’s voice from off screen.

“Nothing, Pretty Boy. Get back to those journals.” he called back before returning to the screen. Returning to business, “Can you get a background check on a Tammy Hunter?”

“Please. Why not give me a challenge?” she responded as she already started typing.

“Don’t worry. Those might come later. Thanks Baby Girl.” he leaned in to whisper, “See ya soon, L/N.”

You simply waved in response then ended the call.

* * *

It took a few days, but they were successful. Your beloved team had saved the day and captured the bad guy. The world was once again filled with hope. That is until next week’s sociopath came around.

They arrived early the next day. Everyone was tired, but happy to be back. Morgan was the first one to walk into the bullpen and spot you.

“Good luck.” he muttered before heading to his desk to start his paperwork.

Spencer was behind him, “Y/N? What are you doing here? You should be home!” he exclaimed, worry evident in his voice. Before you could answer, your Unit Chief had walked in.

“Agent L/N. My office.” Hotch had demanded before even looking in your direction. You rolled back your shoulders and followed him.

The rest of the team had sat outside, wondering how the conversation was going. They could tell that you had raised your voice, but the walls muffled your words. Gideon sighed and walked into the room after ten minutes of this. No one else dared to follow him, though.

“She wants to come back to work.” Garcia informed the viewing party as they awaited their answer.

Reid shook his head, “No. Hotch will make her take the rest of her time.”

“And Gideon is probably helping to convince her.” Morgan added. The main flaw you had as an agent was your tendency to be stubborn. However, Gideon always seemed to be able to get through to you.

When the door finally opened, the three agents scrambled to make it look like they had been doing work this whole time, rather than watching the closed doors.

You stepped out of the office with a folder in your hand and a smile on your face. Hotch followed behind.

“Go get your psych eval done. If it returns alright, you can come back tomorrow.” he nodded grimly. Gideon gently patted your shoulder and you turned to the elevators to do so.

The two older men walked back into Hotch’s office to probably discuss the past case further. Reid didn’t really care as he walked in without knocking.

“You’re letting her come back? Already?” he asked, interrupting their conversation. Hotch looked grim as Gideon looked surprised.

“If she passes her psych evals-”

“Of course she will! We’re profilers. She’ll know the right answers!” the young genius gesticulated, hoping the men in front of him would see his point.

“She says she’s ready.” Gideon shrugged his shoulders, “She took some time-”

“Three weeks!” Reid cried again.

“Technically twenty-three days.” Hotch corrected him, growing annoyed with his outbursts.

“Spencer,” Gideon tried to appeal to him, “Y/N wants to return to work. She feels that she is ready. You know her better than any of us. She needs to come back. You know that.”

Spencer nodded back, but it didn’t mean that he had to like it.

The next day you arrived to work with a big smile and the paperwork stating that you had passed your psychological evaluation.

The team congratulated you and welcomed you back. Even Spencer managed a tight smile in your direction.

  
He wondered, however, if anyone else noticed the layers of concealer you had used that morning to hide your lack of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that is chapter is short and took so long. I am in the process of moving and I haven't had much free time and I won't have any until next week. I promise to come back with a long chapter when I am able!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wicked sorry everyone! I just moved into my new dorm and had to get ready for all my new classes. Thank you all for waiting so patiently, the past two weeks were very stressful.

The first few days into being back, you were called on a case.

“Hey, kitten.” Morgan caught your attention an hour into the flight, “Why aren’t you taking your usual ‘jet-nap’?” he tilted his head, profiling you without a doubt.

You shook your head, faking a small smile, “Nah. I really want to read through this case file. First case back.”

“There really isn’t much to go over. I’m not even sure why Hotch is sending us out here. We weren’t formally invited.” Morgan looked over at the unit chief who engaged in conversation with Gideon.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Spencer look at you curiously. You really hadn’t been sleeping. He knew that. You had made up excuses every time he tried to get you to spend the night. He knew why, but never pressed it at first. Hoping that you would talk to him when you were ready.

But, you were still pushing him away. That worried him. What if you regretted this relationship? Was it too much for you at the moment? Was it selfish of him to tell you he loved you? His brain continued to go at a million miles an hour until he heard your quiet reply.

“I just don’t want to miss anything.” you continued to try and convince Morgan. Before he could ask another question, you pointedly looked down at the file. Signaling that the conversation was over.

 

* * *

 

Child abductions were always hard. Being called after eight hours had passed was worse. That meant that you had less twelve hours to find little Kayla Goode before her odds of survival plummeted.

You stared at the pictures of children in front of you. There wasn’t anything to like this case to the others before it besides for the fact that they took place in the same town. Kayla was a brunette. The victims from five years ago were blonde. She was six. The others were between the ages of nine through eleven.

“Are we thinking a copycat?” you asked, “Because if so, he is not a very good one.”

“That’s what the lead detective seems to think. However, there may be a slight bias.” Hotch sighed.

“Jackie Mills was his niece.” Gideon pointed to the second victim.

“Isn’t that a major conflict of interest for him to be on this case?” Morgan looked around to make sure said detective wasn’t around.

“We aren’t even here officially, so Hotch cannot be giving orders. If his chief believes he can perform his job adequately, we must trust his judgement.” Reid piped in. Causing you and Hotch to look in his direction in shock. Everyone knew he had been against Hotch’s decision to reinstate you. Did he realize his self-contradiction.

He shot you a look, almost reading your mind, “That’s different.”

You rolled your eyes as before turning back to the team.

 

* * *

 

You walked up the sidewalk, towards the home of Will Jacobs, Kayla’s piano teacher, and the last person to see her. Morgan was by your side. JJ and Reid were with the parents.

You knocked first. A distraught looking women answered the door.

“Hello ma’am. We’re with the FBI. We’re investigating the kidnapping of Kayla Goode. May we talk to your husband?” Morgan asked professionally.

She nodded, “Of course,” she stepped aside to let you in, “Will has been a mess since he found out Kayla is missing. He blames himself.”

You instantly looked around the house, profiling it. The Jacobs were an older couple, but no pictures of children on the walls. Only pictures of them. Will was a little short and plump man. He was older. What was left of his hair was starting to silver. His smile was so kind that it made you shudder. He looked like-

Morgan notices your lack of bedside manner and stepped in, “Of course it wasn’t. This man is very charismatic and persuasive. He’s smart.”

“I just hope that little girl will be alright. WIll loved her dearly.” his wife teared up.

“Really?” you asked, you suspicions coating your voice like lead, “I see you have no children of your own.”

Morgan shot you a glare as Mrs. Jacobs gave you a confused look, “N-no. Will never wanted children. He said teaching them was enough for him.”

“Sure.” you replied harshly.

“Ma’am, I am so sorry. L/N, may I have a word with you?” Morgan grabbed you by the arm and dragged you into the hallway, away from the gaping wife.

“What has gotten into you?” he nearly growled, “Are you really accusing them? We’ve been over it already. Will Jacobs does not fit the profile.” he hissed.

“Come on, he doesn’t have kids, but his career is teaching them how to play piano? That screams preferential molester.” you whispered back.

“You are way off base here.” Morgan replied, then took a deep breath to calm himself, “You should go outside and I’ll do this interview.”

“Oh come on.” you argued.

“I noticed the resemblance too.” he tired softer this time, “You step outside and let me handle this.”

You sighed. You and Morgan could ignite each other's tempers, but you knew that he cared about you.

“Fine.” you huffed and turned to the front door, not even acknowledging Mrs. Jacobs as you left.

 

* * *

 

You sat in the police station with Morgan. You both waiting for the rest of the team to return to tell them about the interview.

“You gonna tell Hotch on me?” you asked, dreading the return.

“No.” he surprised you.

“What?” your head snapped in his direction.

“Look, you went through something traumatic. I get that, trust me. I also know what it’s like to want to just get to work. You need something to take your mind off of it. Just, promise me that you’ll talk to someone. Even if it’s not me, or Spencer, or anyone on the team.”

“I still have mandatory psych counseling.” you replied.

“I mean really talk. I know you. You’re giving her the bare minimum.” he raised an eyebrow at you.

“I’ll try to talk to someone. Thanks.” you smiled at him gratefully.

“Reid’s really worried about you. Try to let him in a little.” he added.

You instantly felt bad. You knew you had been neglecting him, but that was because you didn’t want him to see you weak. But you nodded anyway.

* * *

 

“He said that Kayla greeted the unsub and referred to him as ‘Uncle Vinny’.” Morgan relayed the information to the group, “That was why Mr. Jacobs let him take the child home.

“Call Garcia and have her look up any ‘Vinny’s or ‘Vincent’s that work in schools, doctors offices, anywhere she might have repeated exposure to him.” Gideon ordered.

Morgan nodded and made the call.

“Why would he risk getting caught by showing his face?” you looked at the sketch that Jacobs had helped the sketch artist make, “This isn’t a normal preferential molester.”

“Maybe he isn’t a molester at all.” Spencer spoke up. Just as Morgan hung up.

“Kid’s got a point. Garcia just gave us a name. Vincent Russo. Works as a janitor in Kayla’s school. His daughter died a month ago when she was hit by a car. Same age as our victim.”

“So, he took her to be his surrogate daughter. He probably befriended her while at school. Earned her trust.” you added to the conversation.

“We have an address?” JJ asked.

“Garcia just sent it to me.” Morgan answered.

“Let’s go.” Hotch grabbed his suit jacket and you all filed out.

 

* * *

 

You sat on the jet exhausted. Kayla Goode was saved. Unharmed besides for her hair being cut. Luckily, she didn’t seem to understand that she was abducted. She thought she had spent the day with her “Uncle Vinny”. How he had given himself that name, you still didn’t know.

You sat across from Morgan. He met your eyes, then looked at Spencer, sitting on the couch. You got his hint.

You got up and walked to sit next to Spencer.

“Want to come over tonight?” you asked quietly.

The mix of joy and relief on his face nearly broke your heart, “Really? I thought that I-” he began, but you cut him off.

“You did nothing. It’s all on me. I’m sorry.” you gave him an apologetic smile. He accepted it by wrapping an arm around your shoulder and murmuring against your temple.

“I love you.” he looked down at you, gauging your reaction.

You smiled and lightly kissed his lips. Still unable to voice it. Spencer didn’t care, as long as you were in his arms again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short, sorry about that, but we are building up to some good things here. Enjoy!

Spencer came over that night and you both sat on your couch in silence. The only sound in the apartment was the sound of the traffic outside. You continued to stare at your hands, trying to get your thoughts together. Spencer watched you struggle with yourself. He was about to open his mouth to say something, but you finally spoke. 

“I’ve been having nightmares.” you said. It was sudden and blunt. Spencer kept quiet, wanting to let you continue. 

“Every night, I’m back in that damn cabin. And he’s there. Standing over me, watching me. He’s punishing me all over again.” you buried your head in your hands. You really wanted a drink. 

You felt Spencer’s feather soft touch on your arm, not wanting to startle you, “Y/N, he wasn’t punishing you. He was torturing you. You understand that, right? You did nothing wrong.” 

His voice was as soft as his touch. You looked up and saw his imploring gaze. He wanted you to know that none of it was your fault. 

You nodded, “I know. Logically, I know.” You stood up from the couch, pacing. 

“Logically?” Spencer asked, trying to understand. 

“I mean, in my head, I know he was delusional and that I did nothing wrong.” you sighed in disgust, “But there is this  _ weak _ , and  _ pathetic _ side of me that feels guilty. He kind to me the entire day. He didn’t beat me until I…” you trailed off, tears rushing to your eyes. 

Spencer stood up, carefully taking you into his arms, “It wasn’t your fault. Nothing you could have done deserved what he did to you.” 

“He heard me say your name in my sleep.” you choked out, barely above a whisper, “He had a baby monitor in my room, and he listened to me. All night.” 

Spencer just tightened his arms around you, guilt flooding through him that it had been his name that caused you so much pain and suffering, “I am so sorry, Y/N. I’m sorry.” 

You shook your head against his chest, but he continued. You could hear his tears in his voice, “I should have been there. I should have known you were in danger. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I should have figured out where you were faster. I am sorry.” 

You simply held each other closer as you finally let out all the feels you had kept bottled up for weeks. 

Your lips met his in a moment of desperation. You both wanted to assure yourselves that you were together and safe. The kiss quickly got more heated, more hungry. All you knew was that you needed him.

 

* * *

You both lie in your bed, awake. You were laying on your back, looking at the ceiling, while Spencer laid on his side, an arm resting on your stomach. His studying your face. 

The silence was powerful and long. It stretched out between you two. It wasn’t awkward, but not quite comfortable. It was tense. As if you both wanted to say something, but weren’t sure what exactly. 

“Don’t tell Hotch about the nightmares. Or Gideon.” your voice was a sudden break to the silence. You stared up at the ceiling, not looking at Spencer. 

“I won’t.” he whispered, eyes still trained on your face, “Just, don’t shut me out again. I was so worried about you.” 

This made you sigh and turn to face him, his arm falling comfortably to your waist. 

“I’m sorry. I just… didn’t want to see me as weak.” you answered, refusing to meet his eyes. 

“You are not weak. You never have been, and you never will be in my eyes. Y/N, you are one of the strongest women I know.” he assured you. 

You remained silent, taking in his words, but not fully accepting them. 

You and Spencer stayed up for a few more hours after that. He tried to stave off sleep, because he wanted to be there for you, but after a while he lost. 

You looked at his peaceful face. You leaned in and kissed his forehead softly. Once you were sure he wasn’t going to wake up, you carefully slipped out of bed and put your clothes back on. 

As you were buttoning up your jacket, you couldn’t help but hear Spencer’s words in your mind. 

He didn’t think you were weak. That would change if he knew what you were doing now. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Spencer woke up the next morning. He relished in being back in your bed, surrounded by your smell. Still half-asleep, he reached out to wrap his arms around you. You weren’t there.

He shot up, his eyes quickly scanning the room. When he found no signs of you, he jumped out of your bed, not bothering to redress himself, and ran out to the living room.

“Y/N?” he called out as he entered the room.

There you were, curled up on the couch. You looked peaceful. Spencer almost smiled at the scene, until his eyes landed on the half empty bottle of vodka on the floor.

You didn’t drink. Whenever it was offered, you joked about not wanting to tempt genetics, given the line of alcoholics in your family. You would take the occasional sip of wine in celebration, but that was is. Seeing you asleep -passed out was more like it- next to the bottle made his heart fall into his stomach. How long had you been doing this?

Spencer quietly picked up the bottle and walked into the kitchen, with the intentions of dumping it down the drain.

 

* * *

 

You woke up with your head throbbing. That was the downside to your nighttime ritual. The next day always started the same. You groaned internally, not wanting to wake up Spencer or antagonize your own brain.

You reached for the vodka, usually one gulp in the morning dulled the pain in your head. When your fingers couldn’t find the bottle, you opened your eyes. Only to meet Spencer’s on a chair across from you. He was fully dressed and was looking up from a book in his lap.

“Spence?” you asked, your voice croaking.

“I poured it down the drain.” he answered you unasked question before gesturing to your coffee table.

On it was a glass of water and a bottle of Advil. Bless this man. Even if the following conversation was going to suck, these small gifts would make it more tolerable.

You sat up slowly, reaching for the pills. You were surprised to feel the blanket from the back of the couch draped over you, but you assumed that was Spencer’s doing.

He gave you a few minutes to adjust to being awake and drink the glass of water, once it was downed, he initiated the conversation you dreaded.

“How often?” he asked softly, unsure how to tread.

“When I can’t sleep, or if I know the nightmares will be bad.” you answered honestly. If there was anyone to tell the truth to, it was Spencer, “When we have a case, I’m usually so exhausted at night that I just pass out and I barely dream. When I’m home, there’s nothing to distract me.”

Spencer nodded, truly listening to you and not judging. You took that as a cue to continue.

“Talking about it last night, I just didn’t want the dreams to get worse.” you shook your head, looking down at your hands, “I didn’t want to wake you up with my screaming.”

Spencer stood up from his chair to kneel before you, taking your hand in his, “Y/N, look at me.”

You stared down at the carpet. He sighed and gently took hold your chin, making you look up.

“Y/N, I don’t care if you wake me up every night. I want you too. I mean, I don’t want to to have to wake me up every night. I want you to not have the nightmares, but if you do…” he rambled for a bit before shaking his head and starting fresh, “I want you to know that you aren’t alone and that I’m with you. Do you understand?”

His voice was soft, as if he were speaking to a victim. At first that filled you with annoyance, but you realized that his intentions were good. He truly just wanted to help you. He cared about you and you had pushed him away for so many weeks. All he wanted was for you to let him help you.

You nodded, a tear slipping out of your eye, “I understand.”

The genius smiled and pulled you into a tight hug, “No more drinking yourself to sleep. If you need to, you can call me and I’ll be right over. We can stay up, I can read to you…” he continued to list several activities you could do on the nights you couldn’t sleep. You couldn’t help but smile. This man loved you. You felt the same way, even if you couldn’t say the words yet.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day was fairly calm. You and Spencer were making up for lost time. You stayed in and caught up on some TV show that you had started a few weeks back, but never stayed up to date with.

After a late lunch, you read for a while as you both lay on the couch. You reading a few chapter from your book, Spencer finishing at least two. You hadn’t really been paying attention.

After some dinner and a movie, it grew dark. You were tired, but your brain wouldn’t let you sleep. You leaned back against Spencer, who was stretched out across your couch.

“Tell me about something.” you tilted your head back, looking up at him.

“Like what?” he asked, his hand pausing from stroking your hair.

“Anything.” you yawned. Spencer hummed for a moment, his hand continuing its movement.

He tried to think about something that would relax you and you would enjoy listening to.

“The Gentoo penguins live on the Antarctic Islands.” he recited from memory, “They are easily recognizable due to the ‘white strap’ coloring on their heads. They are the fastest swimmers among penguins, reaching speeds of 36 kilometers per hour. After mating, they tend to lay two eggs around mid-October. The egg hatching about 34 days later. After the chicks are born, both of the parents will put equal care into caring for both chicks. Mated Gentoo pairs tend to stay together for a long time…” his voice was soothing and you felt yourself being pulled under by the the vibrations in his chest.

Your eyes began to close.

 

* * *

 

_“You think you’re safe from me?” Alan’s voice filled your ears._

_You couldn’t see. Had he blinded you? He could have if he felt he needed the control._

_You struggled against whatever was holding you down. You kicked and you screamed. You could feel Alan’s breath on your cheek as he chuckled darkly into your ear._

_“I’m coming back for you, Y/N...Wake up, Y/N…..Y/N….Wake up….”_

“Wake up!”

You shot straight up, a cold sweat covering your body as you tried to steady your breathing. Everything was dark. Too dark.

You felt a hand touch your shoulder. You swung your arm out to hit whoever it was. It was instinct.

Luckily, Spencer’s other hand caught your fist before it could collide with his jaw, “It’s me. You’re safe. You’re home with me. Okay? You’re safe.”

You nodded quickly, still unable to control your breathing, “L-light.” you hyperventilated.

Spencer instantly leaned over and flipped on your bedside lamp. Light flooded the room and you were relieved to see everything again. Even Spencer’s concerned face.

He took your hands, (glad you didn’t react violently this time) and moved to sit in front of you.

“Breath with me. Innnn. Ouuuut. Okay? Can you do this? Innnn. Ouuuuut.”

It took a few tries, but eventually, you were able to calm your breathing with his help.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly after a few minutes of silence.

You shook your head as you took a deep, shuddering breath, “No. Not yet.”

“Okay.” Spencer smiled reassuringly, “Want to go watch a movie?”

“Can we just stay here and talk about anything else?” you asked, looking up at him again.

“Of course.”

Spencer laid back on the bed, opening his arms for you to crawl in. Which you did happily.

“How can you think Star Wars is better than Star Trek?” Spencer asked once you were settled in.

You rolled your eyes before falling into an easy debate with. All memories of the dream slipping away.


	9. Chapter 9

As time went on, the dreams began to get better. They would still happen, but you had stopped kicking and screaming in the middle of the night. While Spencer happy to be by your side every night, he was glad when you were able to sleep through the night. 

 The occasional whimper you let out would still make him frown, though. He would always brush your hair from your face and gently stroke your cheek. You would usually smile in your sleep and lean into his touch. Temporarily comforted. 

 The team noticed your change in demeanor. Gideon smiled at you and told you you looked well. A small compliment, but you knew the deeper meaning. 

 The temptation was still there. Some nights were hard and you wanted to walk to the corner store and buy some vodka to sleep through the night. However, Spencer’s words would always fill your head and you would call him instead. He would usually show up at your apartment door before you could hang up. He would always remind you that you had other options besides drinking. He was there to remind you that people loved and cared about you. 

 You were eventually able to open up to the rest of the team. Not fully, but you were able to admit to having nightmares. They didn't know how bad they were, or how much worse they had become. They were just glad to see your progress. 

 Cases served to be your best distraction. You still dove into your work when you could. It was a good escape from your own problems. You knew this wasn't the healthiest way to handle your stress, but it helped to give you a break from them. How could you refuse? 

 One day you and Reid walked into the office, hand in hand. You smiled at the team, only to met with grimaces. You felt your heart fall into your stomach. 

 "What happened? What's wrong?" the smile dropped from your face as you sat at your desk. Reid stood behind you, gently placing his hands on your shoulders. 

 "It's Alan Jenkins." Gideon started, his face was serious, and almost sad. He had been most proud of your progress. After Spencer, of course. 

 "What about him?" you asked. 

 "His trial has been coming up. As his only living victim, you've been subpoenaed." Hotch held up the manila envelope, "They delivered it here." 

 "They want me to testify?" you asked. You had gone to court multiple times. But never as a victim. You never had this close of a take in it. You never had to be afraid of the man you were testifying against. 

 You were called out of your thoughts by Spencer's voice. 

 "Y/N? Are you alright?" he asked, his voice was soft and careful. 

 You practically shook yourself off before smiling up at him. 

 "I'm fine." you lied. You then turned your head to face Hotch, "Thank you." 

 He handed you the envelope and you put it on your desk. You gently brushed off Spencer's hands as you stood up. 

 "I'll be right back." you gave them a tight smile before walking away toward the restrooms. 

 The rest of the team fell silent as you left. Reid shot Gideon a concerned look. It was mirrored back to him. 

 

* * *

  

The first thing you did was check to see if anyone was in the bathroom with you. Satisfied that you were alone, you locked the door before walking to the sinks. You splashed cold water onto your face, a method you had used for years. 

 When the tears started to pool in your eyes, the anger in your vein began to boil. 

 This was just another case. Just another unsub. Why were you letting this affect you so much? You were just going to go to the trial and recount the events. 

 Recount the events. 

 You were going to have to relive what happened in that cabin. In front of a jury. In front of _him_. 

 The thought that you would have to look at him. Feel his eyes on you. Just the thought made you feel violated in a way. 

 You released a shuddering breath as you looked in the mirror. 

 You refused to cry. 

 You felt the whirlwind of emotions build up but you would not cry. 

 You would not be weak. 

 You were strong. You had been working hard. 

You were not weak. 

 “Y/N? Are you alright?” Spencer quietly knocked on the door. 

 You took a deep breath before turning to open the door. 

 Spencer looked relieved to see you. He then peaked around to see if there were any other females in there. 

 “I’m alone. You’re clear.” you gave him a hesitant smile as he slipped into the room. 

 “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked after a few moments of silence. 

 “They’ll want me to talk about what happened. They’ll want me to relive it. He’ll be there. Watching me.” you tried to explain while keeping your breathing in check. 

 Spencer looked at you sympathetically, yet not with pity. You appreciated him for that. 

 “You haven’t really talked about what happened when you were alone with him. You gave the basics for your report, but you never told anyone what he did to you.” 

 You remained silent as you looked at him. He kept opening his mouth and closing it. Focused on how to word what he wanted to say.

 “Do you think you’re ready to talk about it? With me or anyone?” he asked after a few attempts at speaking.

 You did what you always did when he asked that question. You shook your head. 

 Spencer sighed, “Y/N, I want to wait until your are comfortable talking about this, but-.” 

 “I know. We’ll talk soon. I just don’t want to get into this at work. Not now.” you looked at your feet. Work had become your place away from the drama you were facing emotionally. 

 Spencer was slightly concerned how you happily turned to catching violent criminals over talking to him, but he figured that everyone grieves in their own way. 

 “Soon?” he asked, wanting the verbal confirmation. 

 “Soon.” you nodded, holding up your pinky. Having explained the mechanics of a pinky swear to him ages ago, he automatically hooked his pinky around yours. 

 “I love you.” he said quietly. Using the words to tell you he would be there with you and that he would always be there for you. 

 You leaned up on your tiptoes to kiss his forehead as your silent reply.


	10. Chapter 10

****Work dragged on. However, you were dreading going home more. You promised to tell Spencer about what happened in the cabin soon. He was doing a good job not bringing it up at work, but you knew that you would have to tell him sooner or later. Knowing Spencer, he would want to know as soon as you were home.

You sighed as you finished the last of your paperwork. Time to go home.

Spencer looked up from his desk and smiled, “Ready to head home?”

You nodded as your stood from your chair. You stretched before getting your bag together.

You and Spencer left the BAU with waves and wishes of a goodnight to your coworkers.

Work had been distracting, but the glances filled with concern had kind of countered it.

You knew they meant well, but you really wished they would stop.

As you stepped into the elevator, you could feel Spencer’s eyes on you. Analyzing you.

“Spencer, I’m fine.” you sighed, unable to take it.

“Y/N… lying isn’t going to help anything at all.” his voice was calm. The condescending tone only served to piss you off.

“I am fine.” you insisted.

“I thought you said you were going to be honest with me.” the condescension grew.

“And I thought you were not going to profile me. Guess that’s out of the picture.” you snapped at him.

“Y/N, I’m just trying to be here for you.” Spencer looked surprised, but he remained calm, not wanting to start a fight. You on the other hand, you wanted this fight.

“Yeah, you’re always right here!” you gestured to the empty space right next to your side, “Always breathing down my neck asking me if I’m alright. Which I am!”

“No you aren’t!” he began to get angry, “I’ve been patient, but I know you aren’t fine.  Everyone knows it. Hotch knows it, Morgan knows it, Gideon knows it!”

“Well if they could all stop looking at me with pity, they could see that I’m handling everything just fi-.”

“Diving into work is not handling things, Y/N! It’s avoiding them!” Spencer’s voice raised as he interrupted you.

“You know what, Spencer? I think I’m going home. Alone.” you stomped out of the elevator once you got to your floor of the parking lot.

“Y/N, wait.” Spencer followed after you, but you ignored him. You could almost hear him trying to calm his own anger.

“Y/N!” he tried again. You just wanted to go home.

“Leave me alone!” you yelled at him over your shoulder.

Spencer shrunk away, hurt by your words.

You knew you would feel bad later, but you were too angry now. You stormed off to your car, wanting to get away from him.

* * *

You ignored Spencer’s texts and calls all night. You didn’t want to talk to him while you were still angry, and you just didn’t want to talk to him.

Spencer was trying to help. But he was always there. Always watching you as if he was expecting you to break down.

Why couldn’t he accept the fact that you were fine?

You set down the book you had been reading, knowing you wouldn’t be able to focus on the characters or the scenes.

You leaned back into the couch, shutting your eyes. Maybe some shut eye would clear your mind.

* * *

_“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?”_

_“I do.” you swore before sitting down._

_“Ms. L/N. You were investigating a case in Chandler, Arizona with the BAU, correct?” the defense attorney paced before you._

_You nodded, “Yes, my team and I were called in to deliver the profile.” you avoided looking up. You would see him there._

_“You were taken from your hotel room, is that correct?”_

_You felt your throat constrict as you nodded slowly._

_“Can you point to the man who abducted you now?” he asked._

_You took a deep breath before looking up, expecting to see Alan Jenkins there. But he wasn’t._

_“You’re all mine.” his breath was on your ear._

_You quickly turned and there he was behind you. No handcuffs. No restraints._

_You looked around and saw that the rest of the people in the courthouse vanished._

_You felt his hands on your throat. He tossed you to the ground like you weighed nothing. Was he really that strong before?_

_He followed your body with several, sharp kicks to your ribs. The sensation wasn’t quite pain, but an uncomfortable warmth. A dream._

_“I warned you Y/N. I told you I’d be coming for you.” he growled out, before landing another kick to your ribs._

_You closed your eyes and tried to will yourself awake._

You sat up from the couch, your heart racing in your chest. You looked at the clock on your cable box. 3:37 am.

You forced yourself off the couch. Knowing you wouldn’t get back to sleep, you paced the floor. Every sound in the your house became too overwhelming. The drip of the kitchen sink. The wind against your window. The hum of the heater.

Before you knew it, you grabbed your jacket. Your phone forgotten as you grabbed your keys.

You made your way to your car and drove down the road. Once you got the the 24-hour liquor store, you parked.

You looked inside, the bright fluorescent lights almost burning your eyes. You unlocked your car door, but made no move to open it. You continued to stare at the store front. Inside promised you a night of no dreams. An escape. A way to not deal with anything that was happening. Not have to think about the trial. About work. About Spencer.

Spencer…

He wouldn’t want this. He wouldn’t want you to drink yourself to oblivion, which you would if you could.

With a sigh, you locked the car door and left the parking lot. However, instead of taking the familiar right turn home, you took a left turn.

You looked up at the apartment complex before you. This time when you unlocked the door, you didn’t hesitate to get out of the car.

You used the spare key you were given to enter the building, yet you couldn’t bring yourself to use the other key you had been given to enter the apartment itself.

You knocked on the door quickly.

You waited as you heard movement on the other side of the door. You looked down at your watch. 4:49am. You shouldn’t have come. What was wrong with you?

Suddenly, the door opened, revealing an exhausted Spencer Reid.

“Y/N? What are you-” he began to ask, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“I’m not okay.” you interrupted him, the tears rising up in your eyes.


End file.
